my shoes

it's beyond caring,
it's beyond telling the truth
it is just pure spite.

selagi kalian sibuk mengepak gembira di luar
--menganyam di antara bunga--
jangan lupa akan sayapku

perbaiki dan bawa aku pergi dari sini

Psst.
Tiup. Tiup. Tiup.
Tiupsampaibegitubesarkitabisatinggaldidalamnya.

Terbang. Terbang. Terbang.
Terbangjauhentahkemanamelambaikesemuadibawah.

Tiup. Tiup. Tiup.
Tiupsampaibegitubesarkitabisamencintadidalamnya.
Psst.




PS. Ingat balon merah bergambar dora darimu? Kita bisa pakai itu.

you did it to the scribble
that i assume is my heart

when the only thing
that you're allowed
to break is my fall

which you always
almost do, it seems
but never really do
at all.

pinky swear

i've outgrown the stupid things
i did for high school crushes,
i haven't outgrown the butterflies
i get from the drops of their names,

i see you've outgrown the scarf
you used to use as a belt around your waist,
but you haven't outgrown the quirks
put them all on and call it stylish,

people have outgrown their teen angst,
the depression, the suicidal thoughts
they haven't, however, done the same
to the cigarettes, and the late-night vodka

so maybe we've outgrown our neverland
the photo booth, the yellow car game,
the dancing around in the middle of
a quiet bookstore, whichever--

but i'm crossing my fingers,
just so it'll never be us.
ever.

disillusioned.

you said never.
and i don't have
that much anyway.
so until next time,




i'm taking this back with me.

time bomb.

it's ticking
and it's going to explode

soon, i will be pieces

with some of them gone

--which you steal

and some will bleed

and one will be dead

again.

despair in pink

i keep your shrine,
wearing rosy-colored,
heart-shaped glasses.
psychotic, people say.

oh well.

i think it's love.

gray

this melting lump inside the head
tells that i forget
the attached bleeding part
beats that i don't



So who's lying?

i have nothing
left to stall and
you are no longer
welcome in my sleep
because it's too much
to wake up
and kill myself
with your songs
over and over

and over and

over and


over.

heartbroken.

i'm in pain not because
i can't find you
but simply because
i squint my eyes
—million faces and
denied tears hazing—
and then realize,
that i'm still looking.

i'm not supposed to have this.

smeared all over
barely alive
and just might be,

broken.

new kid on the blog

turn that frown upside down

optimistic

ready to jump?
*lost without you [s. fretwell]

secret and ambiguity

i don't want you to go
and maybe be happier
because i like it when
we are alone together

falling asleep simultaneously
something inside isn't right
but no longer afraid to die
you say it'll be alright

comfortably sitting in silence
trying not to think out loud
because you read my mind
and i'm scared you'd find out

i don't want a big deal
let's just dance to the song
and maybe like that time before
again, i just might be wrong

leave it on

i dreamed about you
i thought the light was off
sparks from the plug
house on fire
and my heart sank

simple as that.

red blood lipstick

rouge, all dolled up
ticktockticktock tick
we won't live forever
will we? your usual logic

tell me what do you see
through streaming stained tears
through high-heels pinned eyes
inevitable and too late, my dear

my lips. your tears. my. your. no more.

rouge, all dolled up
too late, love, too late

[wrds: jul 3rd 2006]

Last Wondering

Time's singing
Words printed infinitely
And look at that,
Our smiles are frozen
Forever in photographs

I close my eyes
And fly for a while
To where best friends fought
To the land of
Thousands card games

To the invisible city
Of thousands questions
To youth, wisdom and vanity
To the time when
Music was played for us

We questioned all, didn't we?
But have we ever asked,
What to do when we're lost
When entwined hands
Are letting go…

I open my eyes
And we're no longer gods
We can never go back, but
I hold on to our captured smiles
And that's enough for now

*Time is Chantal Kreviazuk's
**For those whom I recently said farewell to, especially Surils who questioned all together with me.

love suicide, love

drown in the songs
never will be enough
sing. sing. sing.
keep singing with me

you will disappoint
and i'll ruin things
we will be alright
trust me, hold on tight

pull. pull. pull.
pull my hand and run
run. run. run.
run and pull the trigger

see the illuminations
i hid under my eyes?
hear that beat of a drum
i told you one night?

count the butterflies
blow the bubble for us
we're going down, but,
i've told you we'll be alright

Repeated Goodbyes

These are the last things
I can't say to you.

Listen carefully.
Because I can no longer
repeat things I say,
things you don't hear,
to your ear for another time.

First, I kind of miss you.
And second, goodbye.

(dec 1st 2005)

----------

In my defense
It all ends
The infatuation
My addiction
Bad habits
The littlest bits
Eventually
We'll see

(june 11th 2006)

Robot

You cut, hammer, and screw
Build him from scratch and tin can
I give colors and my words, a few
We give music and we make a plan

You believe he'll love and protect us
He'll be the eternity of you and me, I'm sure
Don't forget to sprinkle the stars in his eyes
We'll all be perfection, you assure

Lastly I give my heart, with a kiss, I seal
You do the same and he's awake
He'll love, care, and hate; he will feel
Uh-oh, have we made a big mistake?

*Once again I'm putting Robot here; only now, with the help of a much better image. Thanks to Shan Michael Evan who managed to visualize my idea.