i have nothing
left to stall and
you are no longer
welcome in my sleep
because it's too much
to wake up
and kill myself
with your songs
over and over

and over and

over and


over.

heartbroken.

i'm in pain not because
i can't find you
but simply because
i squint my eyes
—million faces and
denied tears hazing—
and then realize,
that i'm still looking.

i'm not supposed to have this.

smeared all over
barely alive
and just might be,

broken.

new kid on the blog

turn that frown upside down

optimistic

ready to jump?
*lost without you [s. fretwell]

secret and ambiguity

i don't want you to go
and maybe be happier
because i like it when
we are alone together

falling asleep simultaneously
something inside isn't right
but no longer afraid to die
you say it'll be alright

comfortably sitting in silence
trying not to think out loud
because you read my mind
and i'm scared you'd find out

i don't want a big deal
let's just dance to the song
and maybe like that time before
again, i just might be wrong

leave it on

i dreamed about you
i thought the light was off
sparks from the plug
house on fire
and my heart sank

simple as that.

red blood lipstick

rouge, all dolled up
ticktockticktock tick
we won't live forever
will we? your usual logic

tell me what do you see
through streaming stained tears
through high-heels pinned eyes
inevitable and too late, my dear

my lips. your tears. my. your. no more.

rouge, all dolled up
too late, love, too late

[wrds: jul 3rd 2006]

Last Wondering

Time's singing
Words printed infinitely
And look at that,
Our smiles are frozen
Forever in photographs

I close my eyes
And fly for a while
To where best friends fought
To the land of
Thousands card games

To the invisible city
Of thousands questions
To youth, wisdom and vanity
To the time when
Music was played for us

We questioned all, didn't we?
But have we ever asked,
What to do when we're lost
When entwined hands
Are letting go…

I open my eyes
And we're no longer gods
We can never go back, but
I hold on to our captured smiles
And that's enough for now

*Time is Chantal Kreviazuk's
**For those whom I recently said farewell to, especially Surils who questioned all together with me.

love suicide, love

drown in the songs
never will be enough
sing. sing. sing.
keep singing with me

you will disappoint
and i'll ruin things
we will be alright
trust me, hold on tight

pull. pull. pull.
pull my hand and run
run. run. run.
run and pull the trigger

see the illuminations
i hid under my eyes?
hear that beat of a drum
i told you one night?

count the butterflies
blow the bubble for us
we're going down, but,
i've told you we'll be alright

Repeated Goodbyes

These are the last things
I can't say to you.

Listen carefully.
Because I can no longer
repeat things I say,
things you don't hear,
to your ear for another time.

First, I kind of miss you.
And second, goodbye.

(dec 1st 2005)

----------

In my defense
It all ends
The infatuation
My addiction
Bad habits
The littlest bits
Eventually
We'll see

(june 11th 2006)

Robot

You cut, hammer, and screw
Build him from scratch and tin can
I give colors and my words, a few
We give music and we make a plan

You believe he'll love and protect us
He'll be the eternity of you and me, I'm sure
Don't forget to sprinkle the stars in his eyes
We'll all be perfection, you assure

Lastly I give my heart, with a kiss, I seal
You do the same and he's awake
He'll love, care, and hate; he will feel
Uh-oh, have we made a big mistake?

*Once again I'm putting Robot here; only now, with the help of a much better image. Thanks to Shan Michael Evan who managed to visualize my idea.

Define Stupid

I never write your surname after my first
Add missus in front of it and giggle
I'm not that stupid
But I remember writing your name
A thousand times
Hoping you'd be all worn out
Hoping you'd fade away.

sing it out silently

were you thinking
what i was thinking?
were we asking each other
who do you miss the most?

there we were, together,
drifting to our separate ways
there we were, together
back to our loneliness daze

there we were, together
licking our own wounds
there we were, together
hoping we'd snap out of it
--soon.

up and apart

Vodka in hand
Dream of a band
Play stupid cards
Self-proclaimed retards

Singing mellow tunes
Blow and pop balloons
Yes, of course we dance
The melodious trance

Charades, ridicules and jokes
Burst and fade with the smokes
Let's leave all unspoken
Then we'll be left unbroken

Wish we'll stay like this
And we will reminisce
Our vanished nights
Our mockery fights

Because soon is the dawn
And promises will be gone
Before we all say goodbye
Here's iloveyou to get by

*For anyone who's standing (or hesitating) at the gate of growing up, growing apart, or goodbyes.

cheers for the un*pop*ables

started out with sweet seventeens
we got out alive to tell the story
with cigarettes we could be seen
never explain, be on time nor sorry

now we're legal to gulp it all down
swim in destruction but I never drown
thanks to you and you and yes, you
this is for another years to go through

on a post-it on your window

if i had left the words,
"you've had me and always will"
what would you do about it?
or at least how would you feel?

Asylum

Can you sing Flowers for me?
That is my rescue, it has to be
I won't blame the full-moon again
I won't be needing all the coccaine

Just listen, I won't pop anymore pills
The grass, the wine, whatever that kills
I just don't want to get used to you
Not being here and mine to go through

*Flowers is New Radicals'

define l o v e

l o u d s i l e n c e.
l o n e l i n e s s.
l o n g i n g.
l o a t h e.
l o s t.
l o w.

skip coffee

was it you? yes, no, maybe.
or probably it was only me?
sorry, i thought it was fate
shush. a hush too late

there they go, fluttering
i know you didn't mean to
i alone stumbled upon you
now tell me what am i to do?

The Day's Lesson of Letting Go and Stitching a Smile

Read my scratchy words
And look beyond the a-b-c
This is for you, the next person
So on and so on, you'll see

In order to gain another day
I must leave a trail of treasure
With friends, loves, I must pay
Nothing stays infinitely, I'm sure

You can go, out of my head
It hurts for good, maybe a while
But I've my needle and thread
Now I can stitch my own smile