the ballad of pinkman

why are you smiling
but with your broken eyes?
try to hide your feeling
behind your joy and lies

every night you silently cry
shedding your secret tears
no matter how you try and try
you can't escape your fears

surely you always look nice
nicer if you try to smile
fake it once, twice, or thrice
hang on, it'll be worthwhile

Wasted Words

A predictable ingenue.
Blow more balloons.
Getting sugar-high.
And go up in the sky.

For one time too much,
Do you still gullibly think,
That you'll enjoy the ride?
When deep down, you know,
Your head's tangled
In a fluttering suicide rope.

Tsk. Such a fool.


*Thx, Sind, for the balloon suicide inspiration x)

The Emptiest Of Feelings*

It's okay to rain.
It's okay to fall.
But when you're balloonless,
You're colourless.

And that--
Despite the louder words
--Is the emptiest of feelings.

*Let Down [Radiohead]

Silent Silence*

No words today.
I gulped them down.
Just doodles.
And Thom Yorke's voice,
Singing, over and over,

"No alarms, and no surprises, please."

*No Surprises [Radiohead]

Not Denial

It would be good
And please everyone
Happy like they should
It's not what I want

I want to run
Not to face this
Point the gun
To my head or his

It's weird, too bizarre
I just want you to go
For now just be afar
What's this,
--I don't want to know.

bad habit

bite my nails
until they have scratches.
peel my chapped lips
don't stop til they bleed.
pour me another caffeine
make me more restless.
roll me another joint
send me to a tiring high.

please, do those.
release me from these
unseen pain and tears.
yes, you are allowed
you and those, after all,
are equal.

Butterflies

Be still.
For one flap,
The typhoon’d blow.
Up high and down low.

Be still.
For one flutter,
I’d expect and hope.
My suicide rope.

Ssh, be still.
For just one flap,
It’d all fall apart.
My heart.

Don’t move.
Don’t beat.
Don’t feel.
Please,
--be still.

notice the unnoticed

stArs. LOve. happiNEss.
spArkLe. rainbOw. suNshinE.
sugAr. miLk. hONEy.
dreAm. fabuLOus. eNchantmEnt.
pAradise. bLiss. wONdEr.
AngeL. devotiON. smilE.
AdorabLe. infatuatiON. gracE.
mAgic. gLOw. twiNklE.
flAwLess. cONtent. pErfect.
wArm. LuxuriOus. securE.
heAven. cLOud niNE.
speciAL. extraOrdiNary. uniquE.
hArmony. aLtOgether. uNitE.
dAnces. meLOdy. tuNE.
ideAL. diamONd. gEm.
spArk. coLOssal. fiNE.
fAiry. marveLOus. priNcE.
tALe. sOngs. priNcEss.
beAutifuL. goOd. NicE.
greAt. gLOry. graNdEur.
rAdiant. gLamOur. magNificEnt.
dAzzLing. rOyal. refiNEd.
hALO. spleNdid. purE.
AbLaze. aurOra. radiaNcE.
embrAce cLOse. entwiNE.
floAt. eLatiON. glidE.
sALute. smOoch. eNdEarment.
loyAL. fascinatiON. chErish.
AppeaLing. passiON. prEtty.

there.
i’ve seen the gArden of shangri-La.
nOw see me staNding therE.
leafless.

pinkman's daily dose of melancholy

pinkman always likes balloons
one day he finds a nice red one
that has brighten pinkman's afternoon
brighter than stars, even than the sun

red balloon keeps floating by
so close, and so near
but pinkman can't deny
pinkman's nagged by a fear

a fear that he wouldn't be able to catch
that nice red balloon
or maybe it would be a mismatch
would pop or even fly to the moon

pinkman does nothing but stands still
trying to figure out which one's best
chase the balloon down the hill
or let go; give it a permanent rest

a rushed rush

let's fly
hit the sky line
of swirls and curls
of grass and wine

of beads, daisies, smokes,
of alcohol and jokes
of butterflies, your smile, my frown
whichever--stay, don't let me drown.

[march 21, o5]

o2.oo am

feel this pain
you never have
hear my scream
as you've been deaf
close your eyes
then open them here
far from your paradise
yet somewhere near
do all, you can ask how
do you understand now?

[june o8, o4]

still

seconds pass today
like they did yesterday
but time stands still
unlike it did that May
what once few steps apart
feels like a world away
we don't change
and still, I wait.

[may 25, o4]

i can't talk
words just cost too much
you can't hear
perfection is just too loud